reality

Sometimes I see things going on in the world around me, even on TV and it feels like that is life that I will never be a part of it. I don't really feel like that I am ever going to be a part of that, like I am on the outside looking in. Marriage, careers, kids, night out with the girls, night out with the guys. It just feels like that is something that I can't have. Whether I am keeping myself from it or I just can't quite get there, it is a surreal feeling. Sometimes I almost feel like a ghost. I suppose it doesn't help that I find that I am incredibly forgettable. I wonder when I will enter the world.

one year

One year ago I found out that my cousin Kyle had passed away. I would find out that he had passed away on the same day that my very special kitty Claudius had passed away. 5/3/10 And for a year my world changed. I got a new job, started working in a job where I had to hide who I am and who I love. I became lonely and depressed. I felt lost. I will make a change this year. I am turning 29 this year. I will not go through my entire 20s without stepping forward. This begins a year of writing and finding out who I am and who I will be. Who I am now; Kitty, also known by other names. In love with a freaky talented musical genius. Owner of a puppy and kitties. Awesome discount seller and manager at a bookstore. A non-college graduate. Massive book reader and manga fan. Stubborn and easily distracted, though overly competitive and determined when I am so moved. Sensitive on so many different levels to a creepy degree. Lets see what else I can find out and who I can become.

Thanksgiving

Today was Thanksgiving. A whole day off, a day with Coy and my family. Coy made the best mashed potatoes ever, both my mom and my brother raved about them. I can't help but love to show off how awesome the man I love is. It was the tastiest thing about the whole meal and it was my sweetheart who made it. He also just walked in and took care of my grandmother's computer issues in no time flat. To spend time with Coy now it is fantastic because it is so rare we get time to be "together" instead of being at work. I suppose that is what I am most thankful for this Thanksgiving, a day with the family all together, the man I love included. ^_^

Claudius's Letter to my shop visitors.

This is the note that Claudius (in his own kitty way) and I wrote to welcome guests to the Etsy page. I knew it was time to pull it down but I couldn't let it just be deleted so here it is. I miss that darn cat.


*CLAUDIUS' NOTE- (Our senior foster cat would like to say hello)

Hello viewers of my new family's page! My name is Claudius and I have had a life full of adventure. I am around 16 years old, of Persian heritage and very handsome indeed. Someone declawed my front paws when I was younger but let me outside any way. Because I didn't have any front claws to protect myself they think that is why all of my teeth are very worn and broken. I was all on my own when a thing called a hematoma happened in my ear. There was no one to take me to the vet to get it fixed so my left ear is a little bit deformed. I also wasn't able to get any help for the cloud that attacked my left eye, Ms. Kitty calls it a "cat-eract" I just know it "eracted" my left eye and then went after my right eye so now I mostly use my whiskers and my memory to the directioning for me.

My new family is taking very good care of me. I have my own bedroom, but I also decided I wanted Ms. Kitty's big comfy chair so she let me have that too. I get to intimidate her large beast that seems too big and too lazy to be one of those dog things. I get to holler when I am too lost to wisker my way around and Mr. Coy or Ms. Kitty come running to help me out of the closet or wherever I have gotten into and onto open territory again. I get wet food every day when the other kitties only get it as a treat. They also are on a strict diet but I get to eat as much as I want. I hear from the other kitties in the house I am not the only one she saved and spoiled back to health. All of her kitties were labeled "unadoptable" and needed her help and she saved them all and takes care of them even though they have health issues, or behavior issues or mental issues.

When you buy something pretty (I know because I supervise!) you help care for me, world's most awesome survivor and gentleman, and the rest of her brood of special pets. So in advance, thank you for your assistance.

Sincerely yours- Mr. Claudius
Updates on Mr. Claudius can be found at;
http://www.myspace.com/lewisvilleanimalrescue

One day

Finally a day off!!! Yay me for working nearly 50 hours last week, boo for being fracking exhausted because of it. To be honest I have been finding myself quite depressed rescently. I have just been so overwhelmed by everything that has been piling on. The house, the car, the job issues, the getting a second job issue, money of course, Claudius, Kyle. It has just been hard to take it all on. I am no stranger to hardship, I am the type of person to cry, scream, throw shit and then move on. For some reason it is proving harder this time. I want something good. I want that I can relax, I want to go on a vacation, I want to be spoiled and I want to be able to have a normal life, not full of constant struggles.

Kyle Michael Goodman

Growing up I hated Kyle! He picked on me, and he was a bully. At our family's Easter Egg Hunts he and his brother frequently tore the heads and limbs from stuffed animals the "Easter Bunny" handed out to the kids. Most Easters ended with me in my bedroom sewing those toys back together to stop the younger cousins from crying. I remember all the other cousins my age just loved Kyle and talked about him all the time. I always thought they were ridiculous for liking such a jerk so much, I didn't have any clue what they saw in him. I was always kept somewhat sheltered from my extended family by my parents so it took me until I was older to finally understand. Kyle had this bigger than life persona, like he was the baddest of the bad and a giant asshole but that was to hide that on the inside he and I were very much alike. We were both shy, insecure, cared too much and loved animals, he just learned to rely on this tough outer shell to protect himself. I never developed that, and am still pretty transparent.

When I would later ask why he was such a jerk to me growing up he told me it was to toughen me up, so when others picked on me I would be ready for it. I would learn that was Kyle, looking after you and teaching you lessons in the most backwards way possible. As I got older I grew to appreciate the very kind and loving heart that lie behind all the caustic remarks and fratboy antics. He was always the first person at any family gathering to walk on over and throw an arm around me and make me feel welcome. Normally it was paired with a remark like, "Bridget, what the hell took you so long?" or "What the fuck have you been up to?" and he never failed to make me feel like I belonged and that he liked being around me. Since I was a pretty strange kind and had been kept pretty sheltered from the other cousins I have always felt a bit on the outside, but not around Kyle. He told me he thought I was fun, bad ass, and interesting. He had a knack for boosting my confidence when it was wavering around my much cooler, more confident cousins. But he also demanded you stand up for yourself, and take care of yourself, and if you didn't he was going to have something to say about that. He was never good at taking his own advice.

We liked the same music and talked about that a lot. Though I had a bit wider range and he enjoyed making fun of me about quite a few of my choices, of course his favorites weren't always stellar either! I always wanted to get him in the pit with me just once because I think he would have been proud how well I could hold my own. We were always going to similar shows but somehow never ran into each other. He had been promising to come and see Coy's band play but hadn't made it out. I guess now he never will. This still hasn't hit me.

Kyle cared too much about those around him and not enough about himself. He was loved by so many people and yet he really didn't have any idea how much he was cared for. I don't think he realized how much people relied on him, I relied on him and I only saw him a couple of times a year. His voice was gruff and a bit raspy, but warm and joking so that if you knew him, his feelings behind his words were transparent. He always hugged me in a big bear hug, or punched me, or both. He would tease my boyfriend terribly and tell me he wanted to make sure he was tough enough for me, and to make it in the family. It kills me that he will not be there at my wedding, my protective "older brother" to make some ridiculous and funny toast, to hit Coy...and me, and make everyone feel at ease.

I am really angry with Kyle. I am SO angry at him. I just can't accept that he just left us all. I can't accept that I will never see him again, that I won't ever be bullied by him, or hugged, or mosh, or share pet stories, or hear his pearls of odd wisdom, or be protected, or welcomed, ever again. I can't believe he let that happen. I want to hit him, and yell at him that he really is a jerk for breaking all of our hearts and leaving us. I want to hear his stupid "lesson" for why this is ok. And then I want to hit him again, maybe kick him too. I want him to show up and have this all be one giant dumb ass joke, to have him walk up behind me and throw his arm over my shoulders and let his guard down and say something kind and vulnerable, then something dickish and walk away. But that won't happen, and that asshole is irreplaceable and thanks to him I will always have a little broken bit in my heart, and a soft spot for assholes with hearts of gold.

A world of goodbye

Well this has been one of those weeks that make you want to ask god if he is really just fucking with you, crawl back into bed and wait out the rest of the week in a semi-comatose state of movies and chocolate cake. This is something I would do, if I weren't broke of course. I have been more manic this week than in recent memory thanks to work however and I think that has helped me through. One minute I am home, dissolved in tears and wanting to scream and the next I am at work making jokes and trying to not make the serious awkwardness and karmic black hole that is my life get anyone else down. In between all this flip flopping is me begging my body to stop randomly deciding it is going to completely empty my body of whatever I had ingested that day.

Last week Claudius stopped eating or drinking. We added his favorites and nothing, gave him a little pill that is supposed to help appetite and nothing. Normally the pill is kind of a jump start and gets him going again but he wasn't having any of that. I give him a bit of baby food by way of syringe because sometimes dehydration or lack of eating can actually make them not want food or water. Into the vet we went. The morning we went in his attitude was totally different from the night before and I knew something serious was up. Claudius had become severely anemic, mostly due to fleas. We had a flea problem in the house, being in Texas with the insane weather and living alongside a creek makes fleas a constant battle, but I hadn't noticed a major upswing and were just waiting on the new shipment of Revolution to come for the cats to treat them. What I wasn't aware of was because of Claudius's old age and copious fur they had basically gone for him exclusively and I couldn't tell because his fur was so thick and he wasn't a big scratcher. For three days the vets and I fought with all we could on the medical front, as well as the napalm the crap out of the fleas front and Claudius fought with all his little heart and spirit but in the end his poor little body could not take anymore. My best friend, the cat of my heart, passed away on Sunday May 2nd around 1:30 pm. My heart feels very broken. I am angry that I don't get to see him and I am shocked at just how very much my life changed without him in it. Just the simple act of walking down the hallway, passing his room and not opening the door for him in the morning sends another icy jolt through my heart. I have to admit I am happy that he is no longer in pain, and I know that now he can see, and has both ears, and front claws and that makes me happy, but I will never quite be ok without him here with me. His ashes are now resting on one of the shelves he so loved to hop on to peer eerily at you.

I found out yesterday that my cousin Kyle passed away as well. Right now I am too angry about the situation to write about it, I guess it will have to be saved for tomorrow. For now I can say, he was a dick, but not really once you got to know him. He was a year and a half older than me and like a big brother. Also I am furious that he fell into the same trap many in my family have fallen into and that he let himself be taken away from us so early.

Maybe tomorrow will be a day without tears, but not today.